GOTOlocks and the Three Sorts

by Gwen Hadley

In a package program on the dump of a null allocation, there resided a very asynchronous VERB who was commonly known, in reverse Polish notation, as GOTOlocks. GOTOlocks was a virtual card hopper, a veritable TALLY-goer, a member of the MOD function, for she was continually GOTOing. Her run time was so elliptic that there was no algorithm for tracing her or her Turing machine.

"I am queried of this dump routine," she asserted. "To GOTO is Greater Than to RETURN." And her counter was dimensioned around that password.

One day GOTOlocks multivibrated the topdown on her Turing machine, implemented her ascending key, converted her scale factor for sequential access, made a scientific notation of her default value, set her level indicator at zero, and linked out into the recursive overflow area of the installation. "I will have a real time for myself," she stated.

Soon, her Turing machine arrived at an empty operating system which belonged to the Three Sorts. There was a Major Sort, an Intermediate Sort, and a Minor Sort. The Three Sorts were just taking a structured walk-through the forest while their hash was being debugged.

GOTOlocks inputted into the Three Sorts' priority system through their OR gate and advanced to their hash table. She sampled the Major Sort's hash.

"There are too many bugs in it," she asserted. "An adder would take care of them." She correlated four bits of cyberculture into the floating point. "At least it can be upgraded by integrating a literal queuing solution," she commented.

NEXT, GOTOlocks tested the Intermediate Sort's hash. "This is too undefined," she printed. "No wonder it isn't labeled. It could be a key punch with a little binary addition." She loaded some Garbage In to it.

Then, GOTOlocks sampled the Minor Sort's hash. "What a smooth approximation!" she declared. And she simulated the entire batch.

NEXT, GOTOlocks multivibrated into the Three Sorts' mass storage. Here, she found three peripheral devices — a big peripheral device, a medium peripheral device and a tiny peripheral device.

She tried the big peripheral device. "This is too ambiguous," she stated. "I am Not Equal to it. All I need is a simple basic cycle."

She tested the medium peripheral device. "This is too digital," she commented, "and with its variable flip flopping I feel as if I am loaded. There is no use making myself Illiac."

She tried the tiny peripheral device, and it was just right. Just as she began to operate it, however, it was truncated.

Finally, GOTOlocks entered the Three Sorts' deck setup. She tried the huge source deck, but it was too dimensional. "What I need," she declared, "is something more finite."

She tried the medium source deck, but it had an embedded parenthesis in it. "This could give one a BACAIC," she stated, and moved on to the tiny source deck.

The tiny source deck was so very heuristic that GOTOlocks was soon smoothing away.

Suddenly, the Three Sorts returned from their walk-through.

"Someone has been processing my hash," asserted the Major Sort.

"Someone has been processing my hash," declared the Intermediate Sort.

"Someone has been processing my hash," iterated the Minor Sort, "and it is all simulated."

They went into their mass storage.

"Someone has operated my peripheral device," asserted the Major Sort.

"Someone has operated my peripheral device," declared the Intermediate Sort.

"Someone has operated my peripheral device," iterated the Minor Sort, "and it has been truncated."

Finally, they linked into their deck setup. "Someone has been scaling in my source deck," asserted the Major Sort.

"Someone has been scaling in my source deck," declared the Intermediate Sort.

"Someone has been scaling in my source deck," iterated the Minor Sort, "and here she is!"

With that, GOTOlocks became on line and listed through the source deck, and out through the mass storage, and through their priority system with the Sorts vibrating on her trail.

She looped off in her Turing machine, taking direct access to her dump routine. "One would conclude that I am linked to the 5th column," she stated, making a scientific notation never to go into a recursive overflow area again.

Last updated February 25, 2008

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